So tonight I am having a movie nite with friends
It's only Kelly and her cousin Katie
But they are pretty awesome
So it's all good.
=)


Tonite is gonna be hella crazy!
Bring on da trouble


Peace & Love 

My life isn't how I want it to be
There is stuff dat I would love to change about it
There is stuff dat I want to do but haven't done!
There is just so much more dat I want my life to be
And I don't know why I haven't doing wat I want to do!
I mean i've done some stuff dat I wanted to do
But den there's been stuff dat I wanted to do 
But something stoped me from doing it
And I have decided dat I don't want my life to be dat way anymore
I am going to start living my life to da fullest
And I know dat sounds cliche
But I can't help it
I am getting bored and angry at my life 
So it's time for some changes

So here is to changes in my life!!

Ok so I kinda forgot I made one of these.


Well life has gotten more complicated over da year. and even into da new year!
I hate how as I get older life is more confusing and filled with more drama.
Is life always gonna be like dis?
I mean I have gone from liking a car obsessed guy.(ok well I kinda still like him)
to liking and kissing an older guy
to going back out with my ex Nick

And now there are problems with him AGAIN!!
And I don't know wat to do dis time
I mean I love da kid
But maybe were just not meant to be
Maybe it's one of those times when u have to give up da person u love. 
Which I know sounds stupid. But I think dat is what I have to do
Even thou I rele don't want to 
But I don't want either one of us getting hurt later on. 
I don't know maybe my mind is just telling me lies and I need to focus on wat my heart is saying.
I mean my mind has steered me in da wrong direction many of times and my heart has always told me da right direction. 
So I guess I will just have to wait and see wat life is gonna bring me next!



PEACE AND LOVE

Ok soo.
I got kidnapped last nite at like 11pm.
To go to a party.
It was hella fun.
I drank captain!!!
Sat by a bon fire.
Listened to awesome music and danced like crazy.
=)
That was a very fun nite.
I haven't had a fun nite like that in a while.
I am glad they kidnapped me.
=)

Ok so here is the deal now. I have been thinking about this all day. And I have decided that I am just gonna try to deal with the fact that I will never be with him. I am gonna try to move on. I want to try to stop liking or at least stop liking him as much as I do. Bc I guess when I get it through my head that he doesn't like me as much as I like him then I can be a little more happy in time. Bc not being with him is what started this whole me being sad then everything else from there just made me more sad. So I guess I am just gonna have to deal with him being just a friend even thou I want him to be more than that. 
I am hoping that this descision of realizing that he is gonna be nothing more than just a friend will eventual make stop liking him and make me move on. So that I can happier than what I am. And I never thought I would write this. I never thought that I would want or try to "forget" about him. And I am hoping that this is truely the right thing to do. I hope. Well this is all for this entry.

What are you afraid of?


 I've been afraid of rejection since like middle school. And I have also been afraid of fast blowing wind. Which that is a long story.
But at the moment I am afraid of never seeing my brother again. Never being able to stop having thoughts of self injury. Afraid that I will always have that part of me that will never stop liking him. Afraid that I will never be able to talk to anyone about what is rele going on. And what is going thru my mind. And the bad/good thoughts I am having. Wow apparently  I am afraid of a lot of stuff that I didn't even realize it. Unil I started writing this. But yah I am gonna stop typing now.

Life right now is hectic. I am going through a lot lately. First with trying to deal with my brother Marc going to Iraq. He is my everything and everytime I think about it. I get rele sad and worried. I am scared that something is gonna happen to him. And if something ever happened to him I would die. My world would completly come crashing down. My whole world would become flipped upside down. And I would literaly go a mother fucking killing spree.  

The next thing is the home life isn't to well. My dad's son David who is 27 years old is living with us. And I hate him with all my hate!! I can't stand that he is 27 with a kid that he gets on the weekends. He doesn't even have a job. Which is pretty sad seeing as I am only 15 and have a job. And also he is eating us out of our house. And costing us a lot of money. We are going broke bc of his stupid ass and I just wish he would leave forever.

The third is I rele like this kid. He is sexii, amazing, and awesome. He likes to bowl and he is in love with his car. I think it's cute thou. But yah as I said I rele like him and he says he likes me too. But he wont ask me out. And when I asked why he said it's bc he likes more than one girl. Which makes me rele rele sad. Bc I rele want to be with him. He doesn't even know how much I want to be with him. Althou he makes me mad sometimes most of the time he makes me happy even when he isn't trying. Rele just talking to him makes me happy. And it is rele upseting that I can't just be with him. =(

The fourth thing is that I am hardly getting a chance to hang out with all of my friends. And that is rele killing me. Bc right now they are the only ones that are keeping me sane. Specially Kelly and Ricky. They are my most bestest awesomest friends ever. And I seriously don't know where I would be w/o them. And it is rele hard on me not being able to see any of my friends. And I think that if I could hang out or at least talk to them more than I do now. I would be as sad and angry and upset and confused like I am.

Oh and the final thing is that on top of my brother being in the Army and headed to Iraq. My cousin Dane has just joined the Navy and left for Basic Training the last Thursday. I seriously don't know what I am going to do w/o him being around all the time. He is one of the few people in my family that I could actually talk to.


Ok so yah that is what is going on in my life right now. And I don't know how much longer I can deal with all this.
This kinda helped being able to write it out.